Being in a long distance relationship with a soldier

The lives of soldiers are unlike those of people in any other types of occupations. A soldier’s job involves longs days and nights of work at the base with very little time for phone calls or assistance from home, deployment to areas in crisis whose needs often eclipse a soldier’s ability to freely communicate, and the sometimes difficult reintegration back into home life following a tour. There are thousands of men and women facing the reality that for a time, they must hold their relationships together despite that they may be in cities or countries half a world away. During recent war years, the divorce rate amongst those serving in the military increased . Demand grew for soldiers to spend time in new unpredictable landscapes, and families were not prepared.

The military took notice, and has implemented many programs which reach out to soldiers facing long distance relationships with their spouses and partners to better prepare all who will be affected by the deployment . Classes and group meetings have been created to help deal with the emotional and mental stresses each party may face, as well as giving tips to those remaining at home about how to survive on their own. This kind of preparedness training is available at many bases and is very worthwhile for newly enlisted or soon to be deployed soldiers. It appears that there has been a positive effect, at least partly due to counseling, as divorces amongst married officers decreased by 60% last year, as well as there being a drop in divorces amongst other enlisted personnel . All relationships are unique, but a good understanding of what to expect from a partner’s time in the military will only strengthen the foundation of what could soon be a difficult long distance relationship.

When a soldier is deployed on a 6 month tour, it is likely that they will have to spend up to 18 months in total between pre-training, deployment, and reintegration. It is a long haul, and hard work, but not impossible for two people involved to overcome the hardships of this kind of long distance relationship. Before training begins, both people must make the decision to commit to each other, and whatever army life may bring to them. Couples may want to schedule special time to enjoy one another’s company without distraction before duty begins, and take advantage of classes on the base which will inform them about what to realistically expect. People who are anticipating active duty and deployment should also attempt to get as many of their affairs in order as possible so that the partner at home is not left with more to do than is manageable.

When a soldier is deployed overseas, they are usually provided with means to communicate with loved ones back home, such as: phone, internet, and regular mail. Although they are available, the areas being soldiers served in can be tumultuous, and use of these means of communication is sometimes impossible. Phone credits with approximately 30 minutes a week are dispersed , but can feel far too short a time to express a week's worth of events and emotion. Keeping phone calls positive can have a calming and reassuring effect on both people. The tone of a happy voice will lift hope and emotions, just as one that is weary and bitter may dampen them. Realizing that in this kind of long distance relationship both people are leaning heavily on one another helps shift the tone of the conversation from a negative one, where one partner may be continuously venting, to a more calm and supportive one. Details of danger may be better left out of correspondence back home as it may shake a partner's nerves. The anxieties of life away can be expressed to fellow soldiers who may better understand and empathize, however it is still important to share feelings and fears with your loved one to maintain closeness.

Partners back home must understand that there can be no guarantee of the amount of contact you will have, and both persons must make the best out of what is given to them. Being in a long distance relationship with someone serving in the military poses some challenges: one partner must learn to survive on their own, the other to retain their position in the family, all the while focusing on maintaining a strong bond with one another. According to a recently deployed soldier “The hard part for most soldiers on return is that the wife has learned to do everything on her own while he was gone. The kids have learned how to not have Dad around, so on return, there's a huge power struggle while the soldier wants to be part of his family, and is met with resistance because they've realized that they don't need him to survive day to day. For both parties, try to be understanding, and understand that neither of you will be the same person that you were when the soldier left. People grow, and situations change people, some for the better, some not.” During times when contact is minimal, partners at home need to muster their strength and realize that it is duty, not neglect. Usually contacting home is never far from a soldier's mind, but time allotments for phone and internet use are generally limited due to the huge demand and need. Mail is a slower option, but is always appreciated as it is something that can be kept on hand as a sweet token of home and what is waiting upon a soldier’s return.

A key point for the spouses and partners to remember is that events may occur while a soldier is deployed which they may not be prepared to talk about right away, or ever. This is not due to a problem, or poor communication between partners, and cannot be taken personally. Life in a war zone is unlike anything those at home can likely understand, and traumas may follow. The best that can be done is to listen when asked, and support the steps that need to be taken for healthy reintegration back into home life. It may also help to remember that while the soldier will certainly be a changed person, their love and desire to reunite is what motivated them to come home.

If you wish to get in touch with other people in a LDR with a soldier, or other fellow soldiers go to our Military section in the forum.

Other articles you might want to read
Why are people in LDRs?
How to build trust in a long distance relationship?
How to behave among other couples when you are by yourself?