Being in a long distance relationship with a soldier

The lives of soldiers are unlike those of people in any other types of occupations. A soldier’s job involves longs days and nights of work at the base with very little time for phone calls or assistance from home, deployment to areas in crisis whose needs often eclipse a soldier’s ability to freely communicate, and the sometimes difficult reintegration back into home life following a tour. There are thousands of men and women facing the reality that for a time, they must hold their relationships together despite that they may be in cities or countries half a world away. During recent war years, the divorce rate amongst those serving in the military increased . Demand grew for soldiers to spend time in new unpredictable landscapes, and families were not prepared.

The military took notice, and has implemented many programs which reach out to soldiers facing long distance relationships with their spouses and partners to better prepare all who will be affected by the deployment . Classes and group meetings have been created to help deal with the emotional and mental stresses each party may face, as well as giving tips to those remaining at home about how to survive on their own. This kind of preparedness training is available at many bases and is very worthwhile for newly enlisted or soon to be deployed soldiers. It appears that there has been a positive effect, at least partly due to counseling, as divorces amongst married officers decreased by 60% last year, as well as there being a drop in divorces amongst other enlisted personnel . All relationships are unique, but a good understanding of what to expect from a partner’s time in the military will only strengthen the foundation of what could soon be a difficult long distance relationship.

When a soldier is deployed on a 6 month tour, it is likely that they will have to spend up to 18 months in total between pre-training, deployment, and reintegration. It is a long haul, and hard work, but not impossible for two people involved to overcome the hardships of this kind of long distance relationship. Before training begins, both people must make the decision to commit to each other, and whatever army life may bring to them. Couples may want to schedule special time to enjoy one another’s company without distraction before duty begins, and take advantage of classes on the base which will inform them about what to realistically expect. People who are anticipating active duty and deployment should also attempt to get as many of their affairs in order as possible so that the partner at home is not left with more to do than is manageable.

When a soldier is deployed overseas, they are usually provided with means to communicate with loved ones back home, such as: phone, internet, and regular mail. Although they are available, the areas being soldiers served in can be tumultuous, and use of these means of communication is sometimes impossible. Phone credits with approximately 30 minutes a week are dispersed , but can feel far too short a time to express a week's worth of events and emotion. Keeping phone calls positive can have a calming and reassuring effect on both people. The tone of a happy voice will lift hope and emotions, just as one that is weary and bitter may dampen them. Realizing that in this kind of long distance relationship both people are leaning heavily on one another helps shift the tone of the conversation from a negative one, where one partner may be continuously venting, to a more calm and supportive one. Details of danger may be better left out of correspondence back home as it may shake a partner's nerves. The anxieties of life away can be expressed to fellow soldiers who may better understand and empathize, however it is still important to share feelings and fears with your loved one to maintain closeness.

Partners back home must understand that there can be no guarantee of the amount of contact you will have, and both persons must make the best out of what is given to them. Being in a long distance relationship with someone serving in the military poses some challenges: one partner must learn to survive on their own, the other to retain their position in the family, all the while focusing on maintaining a strong bond with one another. According to a recently deployed soldier “The hard part for most soldiers on return is that the wife has learned to do everything on her own while he was gone. The kids have learned how to not have Dad around, so on return, there's a huge power struggle while the soldier wants to be part of his family, and is met with resistance because they've realized that they don't need him to survive day to day. For both parties, try to be understanding, and understand that neither of you will be the same person that you were when the soldier left. People grow, and situations change people, some for the better, some not.” During times when contact is minimal, partners at home need to muster their strength and realize that it is duty, not neglect. Usually contacting home is never far from a soldier's mind, but time allotments for phone and internet use are generally limited due to the huge demand and need. Mail is a slower option, but is always appreciated as it is something that can be kept on hand as a sweet token of home and what is waiting upon a soldier’s return.

A key point for the spouses and partners to remember is that events may occur while a soldier is deployed which they may not be prepared to talk about right away, or ever. This is not due to a problem, or poor communication between partners, and cannot be taken personally. Life in a war zone is unlike anything those at home can likely understand, and traumas may follow. The best that can be done is to listen when asked, and support the steps that need to be taken for healthy reintegration back into home life. It may also help to remember that while the soldier will certainly be a changed person, their love and desire to reunite is what motivated them to come home.

If you wish to get in touch with other people in a LDR with a soldier, or other fellow soldiers go to our Military section in the forum.

Other articles you might want to read
Why are people in LDRs?
How to build trust in a long distance relationship?
How to behave among other couples when you are by yourself?

Long Distance Relationship Success Story

Rob and I met when he studied abroad from UK at my university in Missouri. We met through mutual friends and fell in love after a few months. Unfortunately, he had to go back to England to finish up his degree program and I am stuck here in the last semester of mine. At first, it was scary because neither of us were sure of the new dynamic things would take on after he left. However, we both realized as long as we maintained the same goals, interest, and were on the same page over all things would work out. We email and talk on skype, randomly call each other, and mail each other silly things. THIS IS IMPORTANT! Seeing your partners handwriting and getting a surprise letter can make your week- seeing someone's words of love is much more intimate than in text. I am going to go to graduate school in the UK in a few months after a graduate- which is just a few months away! We have managed to visit each other about every two months. The combination of school breaks etc. has allowed for this. LDR can work, as long as there is a common goal to work towards- the next time you see each other, when you can finally be together, etc. It can be annoying when people ridicule you for pursuing such an interest- I know I would have been opposed to the circumstance til I met Rob. Its also important to maintain a social life/work life- sitting around pining for the person is no way to get through a situation like this. I wish the best of luck to everyone and my relationship is proof that LDR's can work- Stay positive : )!

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What is the secret to a succesful long distance relationship?

Distance relationships like traditional relationships are built and sustained on trust. When you enter a LDR, you have to do it in good faith because that’s all you will have to keep you sane when your lover is so far away. If you start on the wrong track, it will only lead to self-doubt, suspicion and your romance will be sabotaged before you even know it. Keep in mind that feelings are your only comfort when your object of desire is miles away from your arms. Lacking physical proximity with your loved one can be devastating to your attitude towards your relationship. That’s why you need to invest in trust, honesty and communication from the beginning. This is the only way you will be able to be comforted in your choice and to enter in a long distance romance.

Don’t neglect communication
There isn’t a worst feeling than hanging over the phone waiting for your sweetheart to call you or send you a SMS. It’s the curse of having a long distance relationship. Be very careful. The balance is very delicate. If you start being careless about communicating with your sweetie, returning phone calls or e-mails, you will create the right environment for trust to fly out the window and doubt move in. Try to maintain some kind of routine with your phone calls and online activity.

Set down some ground rules
Be clear on the terms on which you will function as a couple in your LDR. How often are you going to talk on the phone or how often are you going to visit each other? You need to mutually clarify your expectations so that nobody gets disappointed. Knowing where you stand in your long distance romance makes you have trust in each other and feel that you are in this together one hundred percent.

Express your feelings
Physical distance can make you and you sweetheart become experts in communicating your feelings solely through words. So make sure you practice. Most couples in LDRs find it easier to communicate their sentiments, fears and thoughts to their partner on the phone or through e-mail than if they were face to face. So go ahead. Let your sweetheart know how much he/she means to you, express your love in romantic ways and take the time to make gestures that reassure him/her about the future of your long distance dating. Everybody feels more secure and trusting in their partners when they are shown how much they are appreciated and adored.

Don’t make assumptions
As we said before, going into a LDR in good faith and with good intentions is crucial to its chances for success. If you’ve been disappointed and heartbroken by a previous relationship, try to leave the past behind and don’t take it out on your new relationship. For example, don’t assume that because somebody cheated on you in the past, it is going to happen again in your new long distance romance. Every person is different and we all deserve a clean start without having to deal with the emotional baggage created by our partner’s previous relationships. Assume that everybody is trustworthy until proven otherwise or your suspicions will push your relationship off the edge.


Being on the same page, communicating and knowing what to expect will be the keys to building trust in your long distance relationship. As long as you are both honest and good willing, you will have no problems feeling secure and optimistic about the future of your love story.

Source: How to build trust in a long distance relationship?

How to have a healthy long distance relationship?

Long Distance relationships are a true test to a couple's commitment and personal limits. LDRs take a great amount of effort to maintain and often people involved in them, realize that they evolve into a state of emotion that they never found themselves in before. When your partner is miles away from you, it is very easy to let things go wrong and lead your long distance romance to an early death. Some people find it difficult to bridge the distance through communication, others become overly obsessed with what their partner is doing when they are not there and as a result they spiral down a road of jealousy and suspicion. They key is balance and following some basic steps to keep your relationship healthy and strong.

* Communicate and visit often
It cannot be stressed enough how important communication is for every relationship, especially if it is an LDR. With the distance working to keep you and your sweetie apart, your defense is keeping all lines of communication open. It doesn't matter how you do it as long as you do it. Every long distance couple should find ways to communicate that make both partners comfortable and happy. You can talk on the phone everyday, send e-mails, faxes or text messages and whatever you do make sure you share your feelings and expectations and be true to one another. Try to make the time to visit each other as often as possible or as often as your budget permits you to. A relationship cannot thrive if the only thing you have is the phone calls. You need to see each other up close and personal every chance you get. The key here is to set up some "rules" about frequency of communication and visits and stick to them, consistency can help a LDR survive.

* Avoid jealousy and be trusting
One of the easiest ways to destroy a perfectly healthy relationship is to poison it with jealousy and drama. When you start a long distance relationship you must be realistic of the difficulties ahead. It always helps if you go in a relationship with the idea that everyone is innocent and worth of trust until proven otherwise. Don't fall in the trap to interrogate your partner every time he/she decides to go out for a drink with people you haven't met or he/she didn't get back to you right away when you called and left a message. Just because you are in a LDR, you lives won't pause. Your partner will naturally have a social life where he/she lives and so should you. Sure it helps to have your eyes open and not be totally naive but being overly suspicious is unhealthy for you and your relationship too. You should both maintain your social activity and be happy with yourselves.

* Be positive
Staying positive and not focusing on the negative aspects of a LDR is essential to keeping your relationship blooming and your partner content. Being away from your sweetie is not all bad news. Use the opportunity of personal time to pursue your interests and hobbies as well as your career objectives. Another positive points it that long distance dating pushes both of you to be more creative, communicate better since you don't have "face-to-face" time and test your feelings. As long as you see the long distance relationship as a temporary state, you will keep your chin up and transmit that feeling of security and happiness to your partner too.

Long distance dating is all about a balanced relationship between partners; a relationship built on strong foundations of trust, understanding and determination to make it work. The two partners should be reasonable about their expectations and willing to cooperate so that this relationship can lead to a happy ending. If these parameters are taken care of, you have nothing to worry about. Check http://www.waiit.com